grateful

I have the greatest friends in the world. The last week has been full of reminders of God's grace and generosity in my life. Last Saturday my sweet friend Maury hosted a Blessing Party for me. I had never been a part of something like that. It was humbling and encouraging. I was thinking about how we just don't get a lot of chances to hear what other people see in us. It's kind of funny that I can tell you what about me bugs my friends more than I can tell you why they are actually friends with me. So it was really amazing to be encouraged in that way and a really special way for me to be sent into this next season of my life. I want to make an effort to let my friends know what they mean to me more often.

That night, Maury's 2nd grade daughter, Gracie, hosted a slumber party for me. I've taught Gracie in Kid's Village for 2 years. She's a special girl with an amazing heart and I will miss her dearly. I cannot wait to see who she will be as she gets older. So that night, I got to spend the night with some of my favorite girls. It was so so fun.

Last night, me, Cassie, Anne, Jess and Hillary got all dressed up and went to Simply Fondue (and missed Mallery the whole time!) because I have never had Fondue before. It was good and we feasted. Here are pictures:

Me and Cassie

Cassie and Jessica

Who knew they played We Are Fam-i-ly at a Fondue restaurant? Jess must sing.

Me and Cassie....and Anne's bread

Woah...Sorry she's sideways...can't figure out how to turn it

Hill and Me...ooo...steamy

Here is what I know. I am blessed beyond anything I could deserve. The Lord has surrounded me with women who are wise and who chase after him. I pray that Little Rock has the same for me. I'm almost done packing. Hillary is moving out today. It's sad, but every day I am feeling more and more at peace with my decision to move. Still, I want to trust him more than I do. I still need him to pry my fingers off of the things that I assume bring me life and joy and force me to grab him around the neck and hold on for dear life. So I worship as I pack up my life here and get ready to go somewhere that I can only hope will make me more like him.

i am the crazy cat lady

When I was at Baylor, my college pastor used a the most powerful word picture for sin that I have ever heard and I can't get out of my head.

He told a story about a trip that he took to Mexico. He was in a village walking down a road when he looked into an alley and saw a group of boys playing with something. They were using sticks to throw it in the air. Some of them would use their hands to pick it up and toss it at the other boys. They were laughing and screaming. This looked like a very fun game. He was too far away to tell what it was in the beginning, but as he got closer, he was disgusted at what he saw. These boys had found a dead cat and they were playing with it as if it was a normal everyday toy. His immediate reaction was, "Why would they pick up something dead and play with it?"

Anytime I have ever shared this story with other people, their reaction has been that of disgust. Almost like they wish I wouldn't have told them. It's gross and offensive. But isn't that the point? Sin should disgust us. Why would we pick up something dead and play with it? But I pick it up. And I do more than throw it around. I hand a deliver an invitation for it to come and visit. I cuddle with it. I give it a bath and a special bed. I even feed it. Even though scripture demands that I flee from sin, I don't. I treat it like a friend. And at any given time, if you could take a peek into my soul, I may resemble a crazy cat lady, collecting the ugliest animals you have ever seen (and dead on top of that).

Phillip Yancey in The Jesus I Never Knew says "How easily do we who live in material bodies devalue the world of spirit. It occurs to me that although Jesus spent much time on issues such as hypocrisy, legalism, and pride, I know of no television ministries devoted to healing those 'spiritual' problems; yet I know of many that center on physical ailments. Just as I begin feeling smug, however, I remember how easily I feel tormented by the slightest bout with physical suffering, and how seldom I feel tormented by sin."

I am not tormented by my sin and I am not digusted by it. I feel guilty. I feel shame. It doesn't take me long to stuff those feelings, though, and make a decision that it will never happen again. So my pride convinces me that I've got this and I have to just deal with the feeling of separation from God until I've "done my time" and then I can feel better. This is madness!

What I forget in all of this is that the penalty for my sin has already been paid. That is not to say that there will not be consequences for it. If there weren't, then God would not be loving. He disciplines and it is not fun, but I know that this is the priviledge of His children to receive that discipline and be sanctified by it. Micah 7: 7-9 says, "But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall down, I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my case and executes justice for me. He will bring me out into the light and I will see His righteousness." That entire chapter is a story of redemption. It is the story of His redeeming me. The Lord will trample my iniquity. He will cast my sin into the depth of the sea. Therefored, I will gladly accept His discipline because little by little it makes me more like Him.

So as He sanctifies, I pray that I will begin to feel about my sin the way I would feel about playing with a dead animal. Let it disgust me. But more than that, I want to remember what was purchased for me so that I would not have to settle for that. God offers me more. He offers Life. Why, then, do I choose to play with something dead?

hello, my name is stephanie....and i am a blog stalker

Yes, that's right. I have a problem. I could sit for hours and read about other people's lives - their struggles, their joys, their victories. There are some women on here who are striving and fighting to be Godly. A lot of them are wives and mothers and a lot are single women like me. They make me want to strive even harder in my fight. So I write. I write because I should not live vicariously through others and I write in hopes that through this the Lord will stir my heart and others' hearts more toward him because of the story He is writing with my life.

Bear with me because I have written little in the last 3 years that doesn't have to do with ears. I'll try to keep those out of it (unless I see something really cool :) ). Give me a few posts to get back into the swing of non-academic things.

The Name
The name comes from a Snow Patrol song that talks about taking first steps as a child of 25. I chose it because I very much still feel like a child for a lot of reasons. I have always been in school. That has a way of making you feel young, no matter what age you are. So it doesn't matter that I have a degree hanging on my wall, full time grad school still makes me feel like a child. But now that class is over (I say class, because I won't officially be done with school until May 2, 2008 - one year from tomorrow...woah), I will finally be able to set my own schedule. Go home at night and not feel guilty if I'm not doing homework, studying, working on projects. Make enough money to fully support myself. I was walking the other day and that last one hit me the hardest. I have never done that before (and I have the student loans to prove it!).

I also still feel like a child because I am constantly being taught how completely helpless I am. This is not a bad thing. It's actually been a while getting to this point and has taken some painful falls to realize it, but God continues to shape me and remind me of my weakness...it's miserable and really really beautiful because as the pride and self sufficiency gets pried out of my grubby little hands and chiseled away from my heart and as the lenses that I see through are cleaned, I get these glimpses of the power of the Lord. I still fight (and lose), but He is patient and continues to give me what's best even when I mess up (thank you Kids' Village for kicking my tail...).

So I hope this blog will be the story of my growing up in a lot of ways and of my becoming more and more childlike in my weaknesses and in my faith.