meet my inner church kid...she's kind of a brat

I was an easy kid. I was the kid that rarely got into trouble, and when I did, my parents did not have to punish me because I have always been fabulous at doing it myself. My mom could give me a look and I would fall to pieces. I was not even good at being bad. I tried to shopift once, but as I had just had gymnastics, there were limited places to stash the tube of chapstick and my dad totally saw me pick it up. My self-punishment did not end with things that I had done wrong. In the 3rd grade, I got my first B on a report card. Chances are I hadn't worked super hard that 6 weeks, but that grade should not have blown my world apart. Oh, but it did...because it was not perfect. The next 6 weeks, not only did my grades come up in that class, I got 100s in 4 different subjects. Even after that, I can almost guarantee that I carried around shame about that grade for a while (and the fact that I remember it probably means I might still...). I probably walked into Mrs. Michaels' class every day and avoided eye contact with her, kept my head down and did everything she said to the letter for a while until I felt that I had redeemed myself in her eyes. Now, while I am sure that my drive for perfectionism began well before this, that is one of my first memories of it really affecting me.

As I grew up, I became the crown of every "good Christian family" in the Bible Belt - a good church kid. I was that kid a church that people knew they could depend on to do the right thing. I was there every time the doors were open and involved in EVERYTHING. I think looking back that I must have been incredibly thirsty for grace - I say this because once I finally got a taste of it, my soul (after a little pushing back) soaked it in like a dry sponge - but at church, what I got was a lot of rules and values to live by. Now that is a language I understand! I am by nature a rule follower. Man, I love the rules. They make me feel safe and happy (yes, that's present tense...and not always in a good way...we're working on it).

If you had known me in high school, you probably wouldn't have liked me. I was nice enough outwardly, but the truth is if I disapproved of anything you were doing, I probably made you feel like crap for doing it. I don't recall ever actually saying something to someone outright. However, I was self-righteous and I'm sure people caught on that I thought if you didn't live life like me, you were just wrong. What didn't show on the outside of that was that I loathed myself as much as others felt like I loathed them...probably more. You see, I knew that I was a fraud. I spent lots of energy trying to prevent other people from finding out, too, because then they would have known that I wasn't perfect (gasp!!!). When you are that person, it makes it nearly impossible - strike that - completely impossible to have authentic deep relationships with anyone. It is lonely.

Ok, just so this isn't the longest post in the history of the world, fast-forward 8 years to now. Through very limited effort of my own, the Lord has been really gracious and I can honestly say that I am a different person. I have amazing friendships where I can be transparent and extend and be extended very tangible grace. A lot of things have changed, but I will tell you one thing that hasn't...I am still a church kid at heart. Up until about a month ago, I really thought I had this under control (clue number one that I didn't....it was something I thought I had taken care of...). Then I had a very small corrective comment from my boss work me over big time. I stayed at work that night until 7pm to "fix" what I thought was broken and had trouble speaking to my boss or looking her in the eye for a couple of days (hello! welcome back to the 3rd grade). A week later something went wrong at a shower I helped plan (seriously could not have been a smaller detail) and I fell to pieces again.

Now here is what you might be thinking: "uh, Stephanie, what do these have to do with church-type things?" Well, I will tell you. I had (shoot...still have) a wall around the Law that is set up in my heart. So, Jesus, being the clever guy that He is...actually being the gracious, wise, loving, gentle guy that He is...got to those parts of my heart in a round-about way while my guard was down...He's wiley, I tell ya. During both of the situations that I mentioned above, he whispered into my anxiety and frantic attempts to fix the situation and exposed that this is exactly what I do with any failure (perceived or real) in my life, including how I deal with my wicked heart and its manifestations.

Bottom line: I love the Law. I love it like it is going to save my life. What sucks about this is that I am a sinner and I will eventually screw up and when I realize I can't fix it, I will try even harder and so the cycle continues. I have spent the last 4 years pleading with the Lord to losen my grip on it. I can feel that He has begun...maybe pried off a finger or two...but there is still work to be done, pride to be destroyed - ultimately, I know that this is at the root of this love affair. I have been reading Galatians over and over again since September - don't judge me...I'm a slow learner. It has been eating my lunch, too. Anyway, there is a verse in there that I kind of laugh at every time I read it. It's almost as though Paul is really frustrated with language and can't quite figure out strong enough words to get his point across so he uses the same ones over and over in the same sentence. Here it is:

Galatians 2:16 - Nevertheless, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the Law but through faith in Christ Jesus, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the Law; since by the works of the Law no flesh will be justified.

How I wish this verse would penetrate my heart! Christ's repetition of the gospel over and over to me. He's whispering it in my frantic moments and, at times, screaming it through the people who He has graciously placed in my life.

So today I can't give you a story of instant healing. I write as a person who has spent a lifetime trying to earn what was freely given. Slowly, He is turning my stone heart to flesh and I am begging Him to let my story be that I continually throw myself on His mercy and wholly rely on the righteousness of Christ.

I apologize for the length of this post...but thanks for letting me process :)